When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
When you let grandma cat sit
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.