When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out