my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.