[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
🏙👨🏼
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.