When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
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‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
*puts my mental health in rice
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Good morning.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well