@man_spach

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

You Might Also Like

@Marcmywords2

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the mall
There were multiple reports of trampling injuries.

@DanMentos

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

@iamdevloper

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

@Try2StopME

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

@envydatropic

My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh

@MrSandeepP

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.