When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I want what they have
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
why I oughta
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography