@Lunatic_times

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

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@crocodilethumbs

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.

@drinksmcgee

Jurassic Park (1993)

A ragtag gang of dinosaurs attempt a wacky prison break after an evil businessman tries to force gender roles on them.

@TheNYAMProject

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

@krakkenlackin

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

@thequeensheart

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

@Cpin42

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

@MarioInAZ

I assume everybody appreciates free snacks, so when I see someone yawning I throw a piece of black licorice in their mouth.

@chudneyspears

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?