@Lunatic_times

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

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@andrew_durso

stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”

@KeetPotato

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

@Reverend_Scott

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

@drwgmawr

Sneezed while doing sign language and accidentally threw up a gang sign. 17 drug lords are chasing me down the street. Send help.

@Tormny_Pickeals

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

@cravin4

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

@vonTraphaus

Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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@JimmerThatisAll

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

@thejessbess

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

@minkpinkustink

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.