When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
#gardening