@thejamietighe

?When the moon hits your eye?

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

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@daemonic3

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

@GregHenchman

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

@ThisCantBRight

I don’t condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!

@TheToddWilliams

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

@lonewulf87

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

@singing_ghosts

[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”

@shutupmikeginn

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.