Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
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I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
ageism fascinates me because it’s the only ism with this built-in inevitable irony. like, no racist gradually changes into a hispanic
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
her: I like my men strong
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?
Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!