Horrifying if literal: foot locker
You Might Also Like
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.