@thejamietighe

?When the moon hits your eye?

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

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@madeleinedoux

Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID

@thatUPSdude

I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.

@Mom_Overboard

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

@robwhisman

ageism fascinates me because it’s the only ism with this built-in inevitable irony. like, no racist gradually changes into a hispanic

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@donnalburt

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

@MollyERA

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

@ADHDeanASL

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

@DiscoFruit

[first date]
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?

@_steamy_mac

Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!