The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
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My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
“I’m just going through some stuff right now” -ghosts probably
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha
Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.