You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
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Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
this is uni
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”