@WAYNES_O

When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.

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@infinitesimull

Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.

@GetCougarized

I bought a laser pointer, but I don’t have a cat.

So I ‘borrowed’ my neighbor’s toddler, but he doesn’t seem to get it.
Babies are stupid.

@SortaBad

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

@KalvinMacleod

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

@tchrquotes

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

@UncleDuke1969

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

@TheAlexNevil

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

@oxygenplug

Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours

@funflaps

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies