When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.

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Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.


I bought a laser pointer, but I don’t have a cat.

So I ‘borrowed’ my neighbor’s toddler, but he doesn’t seem to get it.
Babies are stupid.


Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials


ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?


What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?


Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.


*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually


Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours


nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies