I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
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[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.