Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
You Might Also Like
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
TEETH IS INNOCENT
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”