When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
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The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Self-cleaning conscience
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off