When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
the saddest jazz hands ever
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums