My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”