@skitzoette

When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?

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@babadookspinoza

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

@TommyKarate

Thank you for calling. To speak with a human being, please hang up and travel back to the early 1990’s.

@3sunzzz

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not

@ladybroseph

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

@MiahSaint

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@siddharth3

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

@UnFitz

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”