@skitzoette

When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?

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@warmyellowlight

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

@kwirkyKerri

Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.

@Sailsman777

You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”

@biorhythmist

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

@eliyudin

I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway

@TweetsByKaylee

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

@SortaBad

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

@karanbirtinna

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????