some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?
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Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.
You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????