Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
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I鈥檝e always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I鈥檓 not even sorry.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don鈥檛 think I鈥檓 gloating.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Its a hippotatomus
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they鈥檙e about to be eaten
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You鈥檙e not gonna believe this
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
馃ぃcould you imagine
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn鈥檛 add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don鈥檛 want it to be awkward.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I hate feeling like I鈥檓 racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren鈥檛 we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I鈥檓 playing Jenga