@CryMeAG1ver

When the sperm and the egg really love each other, they get a womb.

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@ElKnuckelhombre

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

@TheMichaelRock

7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!

Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.

@sfreeze6

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

@ItsDanSheehan

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

@haveigotnews

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

@turtledumplin

Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom

Mfer how do you think I became a mom?

@theabstractass

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

@shadygrenade

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”