Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
When the sperm and the egg really love each other, they get a womb.
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7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH!
Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn’t want you messing with it until payd…Friday.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom
Mfer how do you think I became a mom?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”