Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I’m confused about plants
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Generation gap…