In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Strangers have the best candy.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure