When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
You Might Also Like
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”