When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.


My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.


Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): “lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck).”


I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.


Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.


Mini M&M’s – for when you just can’t finish an entire M&M


Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.


Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up


New evidence shows #marijuana not only helps with cancer side effects but may fight cancer itself! Oh pot, is there anything u can’t do?