@HousewifeOfHell

When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.

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@shutupmikeginn

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

@ANNIEwayyyy

My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.

@BetteMidler

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

@chloethesiren

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

@doctorveritas

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

@SardonicTart

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

@bartandsoul

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

@__candypants

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

@HairyJew4Life

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.

@camelSWAG69

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week