I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.