When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket