My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh