@AmishPornStar1

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

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@KattsDogma

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

@YourAnMoron

I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.

@kelly__le

Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?

It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”

@Kyle_Lippert

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

@roxiqt

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

@Jenny4ashley

Marijuana doesn’t kill your brain cells. You’re just an idiot.

@NotLikeFreddy

SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale

BATMAN: *shifts uncomfortably in chair*

@JoParkerBear

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.