@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

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@AndyAsAdjective

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

@JohnsonDiaz21

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

@DaddingAround

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

@DurtMcHurtt

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

@BlindChow

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

@CynicalTherapi1

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.