when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

You Might Also Like



her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no


In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.


[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?


me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural


Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.



My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.


[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan


I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.