her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.
Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.