For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
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Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Cut to Obama and Biden silently eating schwarma.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills