@weinerdog4life

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

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@JosesLovesYou

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

@iRowlf

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

@FU_TangClan

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

@robin_991

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

@MomofTeen

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills