When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
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me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years