When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
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JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
*me flirting
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.