When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”


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I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?


Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.


Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven


“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”


If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?


My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”


Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?

Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.


Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!



*During traffic stop

Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”

Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”

C: “Yes, him!”

M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”

C: *Stun guns me*


I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.