I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
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Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Whole Foods Cashier: Do you have your grocery bags?
Me: Kidding? At $6 an apple you should drive them home and make an apple pie for me.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
*During traffic stop
Cop: “My partner is indicating to me that you might be in possession of drugs.”
Me (pointing down): “You mean him?”
C: “Yes, him!”
M: “So your dog talks to you, and I’m the one who’s high?”
C: *Stun guns me*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.