Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Proctology is located in A55
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes