@TGIJeff

When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water

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@humanaaron

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

@iLikeCatShirts

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

@jonnysun

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

@Love_bug1016

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@notalogin

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

@KalvinMacleod

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

@murrman5

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*