You’re gonna take google’s word over mine? Fine. FINE.
When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water
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[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
i love pizza
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Very slight chuckle*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-
Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.