Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*