When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water

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You’re gonna take google’s word over mine? Fine. FINE.


[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain


At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.


[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,



*Very slight chuckle*


Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.


I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.


*flexing arms* I’d like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and-


Holy shit that’s way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2


This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.