Who says you can’t make someone love you?
I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
You Might Also Like
brain: bounce leg
me: ok that’s fair
brain: now crack knockles
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then