When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
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Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
This did not end as expected.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me