@ArtIsMyPorn

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

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@Ms_Moneypenny_

Who says you can’t make someone love you?

I’ve got a bottle of Scotch, some duct tape and a fresh batch of cupcakes, that beg to differ.

@randypaint

brain: bounce leg

me: why

brain: bounce

me: ok that’s fair

brain: now crack knockles

@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

@fowlerism

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

@RunJeffreyRun

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

@WilliamAder

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

@Kids_kubed

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

@panmidwest

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then