The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..
Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?
Me: Good talk
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
“Expose yourself to Art” they said
“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.