When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.


Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..

Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?

Boss: No..

Me: Good talk


I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!


The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.


My son does this cute thing where he installs games on my phone and then for weeks I get notifications that my village is under attack.


My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.


Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!


Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing


“Expose yourself to Art” they said

“Art will tase you and call the cops on you” they didn’t say


Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.