When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.