@1NTERCEPTOR_

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

You Might Also Like

@Amburglar_

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

@TheAlexNevil

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

@TheUnderfold

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@xLiserx

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

@tastefactory

“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”

@jwilliamscomedy

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

@TheTimmyToes

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday