When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
You Might Also Like
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
kitchen magnet
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet