Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”
noah: two of every single species on earth
noah: and a boat to fit them all
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
noah: and all my friends are going to die
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday