@Amburglar_
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
@1NTERCEPTOR_
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
You Might Also Like
@Amburglar_
@TheAlexNevil
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
@TheUnderfold
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
@thetobbie
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
@theDanLawler
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
@Dawn_M_
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
@xLiserx
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
@tastefactory
“What’re you in for?” “I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it.” “We’ve all been there, brother.”
@jwilliamscomedy
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
@TheTimmyToes
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday