N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?
[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
My four levels of drunk:
4. Turtle stuck on its back
I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.