When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Thursday
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!