When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

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Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship


It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.

Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.


If you want to play frisbee
Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee
And when you get hungry from playing frisbee
Eat your frisbee


me: can’t wait to get that stimulus check

friend: you’re literally just gonna spend it all on useless shit

me: [cancelling order of 4680 candy canes] have you no faith in me


If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”


Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing


[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.


Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.