Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.
Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.
If you want to play frisbee
Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee
And when you get hungry from playing frisbee
Eat your frisbee
me: can’t wait to get that stimulus check
friend: you’re literally just gonna spend it all on useless shit
me: [cancelling order of 4680 candy canes] have you no faith in me
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.