When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Shortcut
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”