That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I like my women like I like my golf scores, in the 80’s with a slight handicap.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
PLS JUST DO IT
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good