When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card