When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
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My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
…..pretty much.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that colleague who touches your screen