When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
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Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.