Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*