@justokpanda

When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove

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@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.

@thetits

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

@VerbsRProudest

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

@abbycohenwl

Me: What’s your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He’s an actor
Me: Why? Couldn’t you get a real dad?

@iGreenMonk

I drink too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

@yenniwhite

Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.

After: get them to put on pants.

@BangGanged

I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I’m not even married.