@justokpanda

When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove

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@Moldy_Jellybean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@MarfSalvador

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

@mattgallo123

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

@SteelCityDawn

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

@envydatropic

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

@AimeeHelene1

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

@sonictyrant

Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in

@smint

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.