Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
When two socks puppets really care for each other, it’s not just sox, they make glove
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Health officials: Don’t touch your face
Me, seconds later:
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i’m with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket
Me: i’m in
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.