@huntigula

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

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@aveuaskew

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

@coolauntV

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

@iTomFoolery

I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

@KentWGraham

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

@KateWhineHall

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

@leez_rat

Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO

@NotARatsAss

My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.

@momthoughts13

Not one parenting book or website prepared me for how many times I would accidentally bump my baby’s head on a door frame.

@celestinelea90

This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM