When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
You Might Also Like
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Why do meteors always land in craters?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
😆this is so true
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
When you try jalapeños for the first time
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met