when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.