@FunnyPicsDepot

when ur mom defending u @ a parent teacher conference

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@RitleySammich

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

@SJSchauer

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

@Lisa_Laughs_

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

@Skoog

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

@SamuelHLowe

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

@UniqueDude2

my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we’ve never met

@E_lok44

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

@KeetPotato

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

@Chloestylo

When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.