when ur mom defending u @ a parent teacher conference

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I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.


Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.


fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…


her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas


Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.


my son would be amazed if I showed him a first generation iPod because we’ve never met


*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away


me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”


When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.