ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
You Might Also Like
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch