Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
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wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
(more comics:
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Well, shit
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Imma just leave this here…………
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them