Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly
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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[password must be longer]
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?