@KevinFarzad

When walking behind someone at night, let them know you’re not dangerous by yelling “DO NOT FEAR ME” very loudly

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

@mommajessiec

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@Darlainky

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

@Pundamentalism

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

@_The_Man__

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

@XplodingUnicorn

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

@SuitableHolmes

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?