Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.