@gobmentcheese: When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, "this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now."
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@stephenjmolloy: "Nutella causes cancer" says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. "Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them."
@AudreyPorne: I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they're showing is a 'dramatic reenactment', like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
@InternetHippo: 911 OPERATOR (female): What’s your emergency GUY (being murdered): Haha nothing what are you up to
@Tmoney68: Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean? Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day.....