Hahaha oh Harry Shearer, you’re cautiously beloved.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
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Mmmmm white people
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Devil: I want your soul!
Me: Not for sale!
Devil: Name your price.
Me: Fix all my typos.
Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.