When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
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Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
A little too much information.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Netflix and scream at our children?!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.