@Manda_like_wine: When Wall-E first came out I was like "'what a profound statement" and now, a few years older, I'm like "gimme one of those sick chairs."
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@OctopusCaveman: Cop: How much have you had to drink? Me: 24 glasses of milk Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically? Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
@TheToddWilliams: SCROOGE: Oh great spirit...why are we at the Olive Garden? GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
@XplodingUnicorn: Random woman in the store: What's in your mom's tummy? 5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby? 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.
@TheToddWilliams: THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?