@Manda_like_wine

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

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@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

@clifba

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

@TeaAndCopy

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

@monicaheisey

just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor

@MichaelTrying

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

@joejwest

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep