Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
just accidentally clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like some kind of child emperor
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
*plot gets twisted.