@Manda_like_wine

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

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@3sunzzz

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

@ericsshadow

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

@thatUPSdude

Devil: I want your soul!

Me: Not for sale!

Devil: Name your price.

Me: Fix all my typos.

Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.

@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

@Schrotime

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@Contwixt

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.