@Jessthesav

When #WasteHisTime2016 backfires on you

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@AtypicalMama

H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”

*Marriage lies

@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

@kelly__le

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

@SteveSuckington

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

@briangaar

How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*

@iloveskyrim71

I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help!

I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

@ohen39

wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife