She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
You Might Also Like
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.