@GrahamKritzer

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

@KateWhineHall

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

@g0m

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

@BoomBoomBetty

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

@huntigula

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

@cloudypianos

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

@KeetPotato

guy at work: “good weekend?”
me: [in next toilet stall] “please leave me alone”

@TheRealPhalguy

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.