It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?