@StephenAtHome

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

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@novicefather

My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”

@Girl_Censored

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

@MarlonBrandNO

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

@drayzze

I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.

#FridayThe13th

@StarWarsProblms

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

@Tommytoughstuff

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

@_Water_Baby

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

@Bob_Janke

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

@ericsshadow

1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.