My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.
Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
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A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I’m not superstitious.
But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.